yesterday, i had the worst day. i've been trying to get signed up for a program and i was having the worst time with my documents. my starting date was supposed to be this coming Monday. the scanner wasn't working...things were getting lost in the mail...documents that i had secured and e-signed were mysteriously untouched by my information. i kept crying because there were so many roadblocks to a program i knew the Lord wanted me in. i kept saying God, i need to start March 29th. what is going on? i just couldn't be idle. i literally cried alot of the day because i felt so defeated that i'd have to wait a few more weeks before starting the program. sounds lame, but i was genuinely upset. i just cried and asked God to show me what the reason was. little did i know that the reason would shake me to my core.

11:51 pm...i got the call that has left me shaking to this very moment. it's like i'm getting spasms in my stomach. i can't keep anything down. this is insanity. my cousin Nathan had just died in an awful motorcycle accident. the chain of events is too much to get into but at around 2:44 am, i saw my cousin Nikki's (Nathan's younger sister) number show up on the caller id. i froze and said a 2 second prayer asking God to give me the words. she was calling me for help. what would i say?
me:"hello."
Nikki:"how did you do it?"
(Holy Spirit stepped in and I began to speak.)
the Lord literally fed me the answers of how i made it through losing someone so close. by the end of the convo, she was smiling and i assured her i would be making arrangements to get up there as soon as i could. but deep down, i am just horrified. i can't believe the scene on facebook. i can't believe there's an r.ip. group. i can't believe this is happening. i feel like someone left a bunch of bricks on top of my chest. i was JUST looking and laughing at his failed attempt at heating alphabet soup. i just don't understand. this hurts so incredibly bad.

i understand the reason. i wouldn't have been able to focus and would've missed sessions due to going out of town. my cousin needs me. i need to get up there and not have any pending deadlines.

i understand the reason.
i just wish it didn't exist.

what would you
do if you knew
you couldn't fail?


♪ change of tune today ♪

i need a vacation from my thoughts. they're starting to get the best of me. i need refuge from myself. it's awful but oh so true. :(
the chorus of this song has been in my head all afternoon...yikes...

exercise is a part of my daily routine. i am looking for a way to make it manageable and not extremely daunting. i'm a baby at this so i'm taking slow steps to healthy living but steps nonetheless. i feel like i'm in a good place to begin again because whenever i worked out before, it was for cosmetic reasons (looking nice in my clothes, feeling good, etc.). i don't think anything is wrong with that at all BUT it wasn't working for me because i already like the way i look. yeah, i have a bunch of clothes i can't get into but i've worked with the ones that i can get into and i look good in them...@ least, i think so.

so i had to find another reason. hmm....perhaps, being healthy...that's a pretty good reason! lol. but seriously, it hasn't just been about losing weight but also about maintaining a healthy lifestyle. getting all the right vitamins and minerals (leafy greens, vitamins A, C , and K....didn't know there was a 'K', did ya? l0l.). cancer is in my family line...i have to take preventative measures. i exercise @ least 3 days a week for at least 30 minutes, eat healthy, and am now trying to make sure i get the right amounts of sleep. lol. the sleep part has been interesting.

think of it this way: think of the most beautiful luxury car you could purchase. you would take care of that car and keep it in immaculate condition. You'd make sure to put the right grade of gasoline in the car. You'd get regular oil changes, car washes, detailing, etc. All this for a car. Why not do the same for yourself??? Too many times, we put our own livelihood on the back burner and why? because we're just too lazy and don't want to see anything through.

what a shame.

anyhoo, i've joined Dailymile. It's like Facebook for people who are interested in healthy lifestyles and i must say that i'm in love already. i can't wait to start posting pics and really getting feedback from other members. if you decide to join, look me up at msdani86! :)

http://www.dailymile.com/people/msdani86#ref=tophd

i'm learning to cook healthy meals that still taste good. i was doing well until someone brought a bunch of cinnamon rolls in the house. i was like "oh no!" they're huge and i can't resist. i didn't resist the 240 calorie goodness that was heated for 40 seconds in the microwave...eek! i know. after i finished eating, i started beating myself up. to make matters worse, my body soon did the same. i was so sick to my stomach all night. i felt like i knew exactly where that cinnamon bun was in my stomach. i wished i could just reach in and pull it out. so it taught me a lesson in eating: me and my body know better than to eat that heavy dessert so late at night. shame on me! but then i got frustrated because i still love sweets. how would i make this work? so today i made a pear crisp. i said i was going to do it with as little sugar as possible. i am pleased to say that it tasted AWESOME! i topped it with this awesome granola sweetened with vanilla essence and sprinkled with a few almonds. i was shocked. it was just pears, a little bit of lemon juice,orange juice, a little cinnamon and voila! it was a dessert that was still healthy and really good. and when i say good, i mean guilty pleasure good...like this tastes too rich to be healthy. it tasted alot like apple pie honestly. of course, i topped it with an extremely light practically no-cal cool whip. :) i'm pleased. :)

fyi, i didn't take that pic. mine just looked a whole lot like this one though. once i get my cam fixed i can take my own flics. haha.

his voice is so incredibly soothing. the song has been on repeat allll week.

i don't want to become a tragic result of my experiences. i don't want to be that girl who's just... bitter. i've seen it time and time again through other people and it's not what i want for me. i don't really think anyone sits down and says "from now on, i'll be bitter!" however, it is a mindset that too many people have. past experiences have hurt so badly that it's scared you into the person you are instead of allowing it to help you grow into the person you want to become. that cannot be me. i've looked at ways that i could be "entitled" if you will, to be a little bitter. but, it's in the past. i don't want to look back. i just can't look back. i want to live freely, love abundantly, and laugh like crazy. looking forward to the beautiful lessons ahead and growing in grace: that's the plan. because i love and believe in the Lord, I know that he has given me a spiritual covering from my enemies. so why walk in fear? why walk cautiously?....some may call it being safe but really it's being scared. life's too short to live in fear. since i love music so much, in the beginning of the year i decided to have a theme song for my 2010 life. :) the song is called "be open" by richard smallwood. i've been WIDE open to the moving of the Holy Spirit and from January until tonight, he has moved TREMENDOUSLY. I know he's got a whole lot to show me so i have to... be open. but being a music lover...you can't just have one song right?! lol. well, last week i added this song by Chantal Kreviazuk called "weight of the world". i heard that song in the grocery store a couple weekends back and it felt so right. that same weekend, i had just moved out of what was quite possibly the shadiest living situation i've experienced. God pulled me out in the knick of time and put me in a place of transition. the song basically says "i used to carry the weight of the world and now all i wanna do is spread my wings and fly!" i stood in the grocery aisle and couldn't help but smile. it was perfect timing. so true. a burden felt lifted completely! it was such a feeling a freedom that i can't even begin to describe. the lyrics are too perfect! felt like a sitcom for a second. lol. but yeah... these are my thoughts as i lie in bed. i've put them into heavy rotation in my brain. and will do the same with my life...

so excited. i'm such a huge fan of Organix products and today is my first time using products that i won through their facebook contest. i won their newest shampoo and conditioner. the scent is cherry blossom ginseng. at first, i was like.."uh oh! this smell should be interesting." but it actually smells really really good! i'm looking forward to seeing the effects it has on my hair. in using their shea butter conditioner, i could really tell the difference in my hair. organix products are sulfate and paraben free. it's what sets them apart from a lot of hair products nowadays. i've also been using the chocolate soymilk shampoo from healthy.sexy.hair. and i love the difference. my curls are alot softer after i finish washing and conditioning my hair. it's pretty cool. i'd really like to try their grapefruit mango butter and see how that turns out on my hair. wish i had a webcam. i would so do a review on it. lol. ah well. one day.

http://www.beautypureandsimple.com/cherry.asp

i feel like i'm getting a fresh start at life. it's like i'm cleansed of all the things that held me back previously. it's like a rebaptism. i feel purified. this morning, i slept in until 10 and then after a light breakfast & devotion, i did pilates, went jogging, and did part of my low intensity dance cardio. i cleaned up and did some work. got quite a bit done and it felt good. i think i'm gonna start working out in the am in the evening. i can feel the difference in how i feel. it's so interesting. but honestly, i know exactly what it is....it's God's love.

i don't think this song was meant to have a spiritual context but i take it to have one. i feel like this is exactly what God has been singing to me for the past year and change. the voice is such a pretty, still, small voice. i feel like i've been in this cocoon kinda hiding from the world in a sense. i haven't been living life the way i'm used to. kinda does feel like i'm hiding in a corner and waiting for my turn or till it's safe for me to come out. can't lie it's not amazing but i choose to hope for the best everytime i wake up. trust me, it's a choice. another thing i'm learning is not to be bitter. everyone has crappy things happen to them but you can't allow it to cripple and poison the future. another thing is to live a life of gratitude. seriously. every day is a treasure. treat it as such. it's another day to do something to the glory of God. staying committed to that to-do list, making smart choices at the grocery store, burning a couple more calories on the elliptical...things to improve your life and quality of it. think about it...

i'm just waiting, praying, dreaming, and believing. that's all i can really do at this point. i do see a change in my attitude which i am grateful for as well. there was a time where i felt so sad that i didn't see another day as a blessing but merely a time chamber of sheer torture. it's not so bad anymore and i'm happy for that shift. last night, i laid in bed and felt so comfortable. i turned off the light and could see the moon peeking through my blinds. it was so pretty that i decided to get out of bed and open up the blinds a little more just so i could look at the moonlight. i wish i could've captured the moment on film. my room was glowing. i hope tonight is the same way. it made me happy and i fell asleep happy and woke up @ 7 a.m. feeling happy. it was more than appropriate for my devotion to be about being happy, uh?

today started off pretty shaky but it ended up wonderfully! it was soooo great! you know how they say things get worse before they get better? well, things are turning around already! i can't believe it and i'm very happy. first, the people i'm staying with told me that i qualify for food stamps because my income is so minimal. when i think of the words "food stamps", i always think of the fact that people abuse the system all the time. but i filled out the application a little while back and i qualified. crazy, uh? so today, i went on my first grocery shopping trip where i actually needed a cart instead of a little basket! i got so many healthy foods that i was dying to buy before but just couldn't afford.

i'm SUPER excited because now I can truly be productive in terms of weight loss and exercise. Diet is a huge part of weight loss but if you only have a very small selection of things you can eat, it's almost counterproductive. it was so crazy because i had to fight tears a couple times in the grocery aisles. lol. i was soooo very happy and still am. SO GRATEFUL! Aaah!! i feel incredibly blessed right now. simple things that we take for granted like sleeping in a warm bed every night and not under a bridge...blessings!!!

anyhow, after my wonderful grocery shopping trip, i worked my butt off with Denise Austin. usually, i can only make it through the first two workouts before feeling crazy weak but tonight, i made it through the entire workout tape! totally amped! maybe it was the excitement about all the food in the fridge and finally feeling like i can move forward. i'm so grateful. today was a wonderful day and i ended it by keeping my promise and writing in my blog! aahh! so happy! :)