My blog entries will be pretty scarce over the next months. I made it all the way through undergrad without my computer crashing so I guess I was due for one, right?!? So, I have no laptop but I’m praying that the data on my hard drive can be restored due to a similar laptop I have back in MD. If you can install the hard drive into another computer like yours, sometimes, you can save your files. But, my laptop is a goner. I felt the need to explain that while at work because my editor is away at lunch so I have some downtime.
So, I hate putting myself out there but in this case, for some reason that I’m not quite sure of, I’ve felt compelled to do so. That’s part of the reason why I started the blog though: to put myself out there. Okay so (deep breath) here goes:
From the beginning of my senior year until now, I’ve experienced a tremendous amount of weight gain. In between that time, I’ve ballooned from a size 4 to a 12. It’s a lot to take in at once, I know. Thing is, I’ve been embarrassed to complain about it to people who are bigger than me in fear of making them feel bad and I’ve been embarrassed to complain about it to people smaller than me in fear of them making me feel bad every time I open my mouth to a cookie or chip…or the occasional sympathy “it’s not hard” stares. I’m running, watching what I eat and ultimately doing whatever it takes to lose the weight but for some reason, it’s not coming off. A few inches might but for the most part I still have that God-forsaken spare tire….muffin top….jiggle in the middle….what the heck, fat. Tonight, I’m supposed to be going to a Women For Obama party with a friend of mine. It’s supposed to be some fundraiser event and I don’t wanna go anymore. I feel like hiding in my pjs in bed. It’s ridiculous that it’s come to this but as I stood in the bathroom this morning trying so desperately to even give my reflection a little self-esteem boost, I watched my self-constructed confidence completely deteriorate. No tears. I couldn’t cry, but I just felt awful. I felt awful for any of the fat jokes I may have laughed at in the past or the disapproving stares I might have unconsciously given, or the empty compliments I may have given to strangers or friends struggling with obesity. Strange thing is that some people considered me to be skinny and some people consider me to be average and healthy. But, I’m actually statistically overweight/obese and need to make a life change. I think that God allowed this to happen so that I could understand the plight of others better and be sensitive to it. Weight is something that can be controlled but when it spirals out of control, it’s so difficult to regain control. For many people, it becomes a life long battle. I say all of this to say that I’m grateful for this experience because I feel that my eyes have been opened and I’ll be a better person because of it. I’ll continue to lose the weight and I may have a few more bad days but in the end, I have to learn to be pleased with ME at any weight. I believe I’m a beautiful person on the inside and that’s ultimately what matters the most :)
3 comments:
Putting on a few pounds or several pounds doesn't change your beauty. Yet outward beauty does come from within and it's something you have to believe. Weight gain is something that a lot of us deal with and we put it on for various reasons. Some of us use it as medication to makes ourselves feel better. But the foods we choose to medicate ourselves with are usually the ones with the highest fat and sugar content. I'm learning that I need to eat foods that carry less calories. Like choosing grapes over a cookie or strawberries and whip cream over cake. Sometimes I want the cake and I want the cookies and the ice cream with chocolate sprinkles on top. And so I allow myself to have them but in limited quantities. A friend of mine started buying the 100 calorie count snacks to get the sweets she wanted but to control the calorie in take. I believe there's a lot of truth to the Weight Watcher's way of losing weight. Even the people on the Biggest Loser stress watching calories. I believe it will make a difference, even without the exercise...although I'm not advertising that. It's something that I'm trying in addition to not eating after a certain hour. I notice a difference. It's not drastic but, it's enough to encourage me to continue . Hopefully, you'll be encouraged too.
Lol (this comment was written after I wrote the other one) Umm ok, so hey missy!!!! you're freakin beautiful!!!! on the inside and out!! losing weight is something that you should want to do because YOU want to do it.. everything in life takes such a long time to do, I've learned that as well. But I think as long as you have friends and family by your side, your set:) don't give up and continue to be you!
Thanks for the encouragement, guys!
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