Day #10 Catchup

I'm so disappointed because I missed both Friday and Saturday posts for the challenge. Even though I was really tired, I should've scheduled it in. I've been waiting until 11 pm to remember to do the posts. On both nights, 11 pm came and went and it was completely out of my mind.

Friday was an interesting day. One of my closest sister friends was driving through Maryland to get to Atlanta. Actually, this friend was the same one who designed the graphic at the top of this blog. Anyway, she came Thursday night and left on Friday morning. We were having a conversation on Friday morning about life, purpose and how God's love ties into all of it. It's interesting because even though I know God loves me and have heard it a billion times in songs, scriptures and in church, there is still a large portion of me that hasn't fully received that in my heart as fact. There is the underlying belief that God is ready to condemn me based on what I'm not doing right. I feel like everything I have is a result of God being nice to me but He doesn't always have to be nice. So I should just learn to accept the good that comes and expect the bad because I'm a sinner so I deserve any evil that comes my way. When we really took the time to break down what we believed, it was heartbreaking and pretty sobering. Crazy thing is that I also treat God like a genie. If I rub God the right way, He'll give me everything that I want. If I read my Bible, pray, love and serve, then I should be able to get everything I want. NO! NO! NO!!! This is the way that I try to control God. It sounds awful. I know. I'm not doing it on purpose. I don't know if that makes it any better though.

Reading my Bible, praying, loving and serving are natural habits of someone who loves God and is committed to Him. It's hard to understand how God loves fully and it may always be hard. However, I want to make sure that my love is sincere and true. I never want to give expecting something in return. I want to give from a place that is grateful and really desires to make God happy. It sounds corny, but I really do want to make God smile. I want to be pleasing in His sight. I don't want to run on autopilot in any part of my relationship with Him. There are so many times when my prayers say the same thing. How would you feel if when you talked to someone,  they always came with the same conversation? Things will get stale pretty fast. It's important to talk about other things in conversation. Reciting the "God is good. God is great. Thank you for the food we eat. Amen." prayers only work for so long. There have been plenty of times where my prayers were stuck on autopilot to the point where I would wonder if I had prayed that day. Yes, I probably did but it was a mindless prayer. Mindless conversations benefit no one. Mindlessly asking God for safe traveling mercies on the road isn't cool. If anything, God's mercy in spite of me is what keeps me safe on the road.

Maybe I'm looking too deep into it...

nah. I'm not.

time to do better. period.